And as I type that title above, the song "It's Been A While" by Staind pops up in my head. It's a song that I would listen to when I was about sixteen or so and filled with teenage angst. Well now I'm twenty-five years old and filled with...I'm honestly not quite sure. Last Thursday I was laid off and I am unemployed for the first time in uh about nine years (coincidentally that song was released nine years ago). As soon as I got my license, my parents made me get a job so I could pay for gas and help them out with my car insurance. Since then, I'm the kind of person that has jobs lined up before I leave the current one. But this situation was out of my control.
Like I said, I'm not really sure how I feel. Yesterday was the strangest day of them all. It was a Monday. Oh how we all dread Monday mornings and wish the weekend could be longer. Except yesterday, I didn't feel that way at all. I wish I was able to go to work. I had this great longing to spend most of my commute in congested traffic on 695. I wanted to taste that stale, bitter office coffee. But in all seriousness, I miss my coworkers already - especially my boss.
Now that I have much more free time, I'm probably going to try to write on this blog again in between job searches and such. Not really sure what I'll write about, but I'm sure I'll come up with something semi-entertaining.
On Sunday my day, week, month, heck even year was made because of Instagram. No, I didn't all of the sudden get more followers than Selena Gomez (if that happened, I would be dead from a heart attack). Instead, I got a DM (direct message) while my boyfriend drove our dog and I to my parents' house. Usually Instagram DMs have negative, NSFW (not-safe-for-work) connotations, but this was far from one of those. Instead, it was a senior in high school reaching out to me about her eating disorder and asking for advice on dealing with an ED-NOS diagnosis. I was floored and wide-eyed staring out into the sunset as I rode along I-70, completely amazed by the fact that 1. someone is actually reading my blog and 2. that someone is not my family, friend, or acquaintance and 3. she is a courageous, beautiful young woman. Of course a set of happy tears followed. When I finally was able to say something besides "Oh my god," I told my boyfriend and you bet I told my parents too when we arrived to their home. I ran up to the house, busted through the door, and struggled to get the words out because I was so excited.
It's amazing because this is what I want to do for people. I want to share my eating disorder story so others know that I had the awful mental disease, but it is possible to recover from it even though it's so hard to do. Believe me, I'm not a social worker, a clinical psychologist, or any sort of licensed professional, but I went through it and can at least provide support and sympathize with those that are battling an eating disorder. It's imperative to me to encourage people to get help because it's plain and simple: you're a slave to your eating disorder. Every moment everyday, you're thinking about food, avoiding food, and fearing food. Being freed from your eating disorder, though, well I can't think of anything that accurately describes it because it's that awesome. So if you have an eating disorder or know someone who does, please go ahead and reach out to me. Anything you say, I promise I will hold strictly confidential.
Literally. Disclaimer: I'm about to provide too much information aka TMI Alert. If you have a weak stomach and dislike the word "poop," I suggest you don't read this post.
Boh has had bouts of diarrhea since Monday and yesterday topped each and everyone of them. He had an accident (more like explosive diarrhea) in his crate while Jake was at UMBC and I was at work. Oh and I was rejected from the MA in Communication program at Johns Hopkins University. Needless to say my evening was full of feces and tears. After work, I felt like crying and hiding from the world in my bed while watching Netflix and eating all the chocolate I received for Easter. Instead, I cried, ate chocolate, did the dishes, and searched for other graduate programs. After having a comfort meal at Panera with my partner-in-crime, Jake, I felt a lot better and decided that being productive would be a better way to get my mind off of everything that's happened recently.
Again, it's been almost a month since my last blog post. Earlier this month, Boh had an emergency visit to the pet ER due to a stomach blockage. This stomach blockage happened because Boh ripped Jake's slipper apart while we were asleep and swallowed a large piece of rubber. I swear if this dog was an actual child and not a fur child, he would be six years old and his name would be Jimmy. Jake and I would receive many calls from Jimmy's school for doing things like innocently asking the teacher what a vagina is. As much as it would be inappropriate for him to do that and annoying to receive yet another call, it's somewhat endearing and you couldn't help but love the kid. That's what Boh is like to us. He's a little shit, but Jake and I love the dog so much it's insane.
Between dealing with Boh, applying for grad school, having surgery (I'll explain in another blog post), not being to work out because of surgery, being rejected from grad school, it's been difficult to be positive. However, you just have to laugh at all the shit in your life. It's the little things they say, and whoever "they" may be, they are correct. Spending time with Jake at Panera yesterday improved my mood drastically. At the beginning, I was fighting back tears as I ordered my You Pick Two with Cream of Chicken and Wild Rice Soup and a Power Kale Salad with Chicken. At the end though, I was laughing with Jake about my melodramatic idiosyncrasies and promised I wouldn't lay on the floor crying listening to "Atlas Hands" by Benjamin Francis Leftwich like I did during the summer as I was experiencing a quarter-life crisis. I blame the artist in me for my frequent expressions of hyperbole.
So when life gets you down, find the positive things in your life. Even if they're little, it's still something.
I realized that today I'm thankful for many things in my life. First and foremost, it's Friday (and a payday to boot)! Also, I'm finally able to take a shower and start working out again! It's been over a week since I've done both and to put it frankly, I feel disgusting. Don't worry, I have been taking sponge baths. However, those do not compare whatsoever to the glorious warm water of the shower and the ultimate clean feeling that you experience afterwards. You're probably wondering why, but that's a whole separate story to be shared at a later time.
But on a more serious note, it's National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. Yesterday I posted a #TBT on Instagram highlighting the fact that I used to have an eating disorder and received so much support on Instagram and Facebook. However, the most amazing and heartfelt support came from my dad, which can be seen at the bottom of this post. It left me speechless and I still feel like I can't find the right words to say, so I'm going to leave you all with a simple, yet honest quote by Buddha:
Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.
in no particular order:
There you have it. These are just some of the many life lessons I learned this past year.
It's been a week since I last posted. Between preparing for, enjoying, and recovering from Christmas, I haven't had the time to write. But alas, here I am writing another post. I was a little sad going to work today. The holiday season is almost over with the last hurrah being Thursday night - New Year's Eve. Speaking of New Year's, resolutions have been on my mind. In fact, there are a few that I'd like to do this year:
Wait, my resolutions look more like a to-do list. Not surprised, because I'm a huge fan of to-do lists. Maybe I should select some general goals that would count as resolutions?
Okay, there we go. Resolutions set. 2016, I'm ready for ya.
I'm not sure if anyone else feels this way, but there is something special about making a trip to Barnes & Noble. Despite our ever-evolving technological world, they've remained in business and I don't think it's a coincidence. While Netflix and Redbox defeated Blockbuster and Hollywood Video, Barnes & Noble hasn't been demolished yet. Maybe it's my love for print media, but nothing will replace the feeling of holding a book in your hands, feeling the smoothness of the paper as you turn each page.
Anyways, I went to Barnes & Noble this past Saturday for the first time in a while. With Christmas coming this Friday, I did some last minute shopping. While browsing for presents, I stopped in the fitness, nutrition, and recipe book section for myself. Boy, was that overwhelming. In a few aisles, there's endless information and various people's opinions on those topics. I didn't buy anything that day. However, I'd like to buy some new books, preferably about yoga and maybe a nice recipe book or two.
I'm just going to dive in and let the cat out of the bag: I used to have an eating disorder and therefore, was afraid to eat. What I consumed ended up consuming my life.
It all started my senior year of high school. I noticed some weight gain after being on prednisone for mono. I started to watch what I ate and forced my nonathletic self to go to the gym. The pounds dropped, but I didn't stop. Losing weight became my religion. I restricted (during the day and to my dismay, binged at night) all in attempt to keep losing weight. It was a nasty cycle that prohibited me from knowing how to eat normally.
With the support from my family and friends, I sought treatment during my freshman year of college. I went to Sheppard Pratt in Towson, Maryland (which I highly recommend), and was diagnosed with EDNOS (Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified). It hasn't been until recently that I finally feel like I can eat normally again without fear. What really helped was nourishing my body with helathy food, listening to my hunger cues, and like everything else in life, time.
So back to the name, FearLyss Eating...as you can see my name is Alyssa, but my close friends call me "Lyss" and now I can eat without fear. Tada! FearLyss Eating. The purpose of this blog is to highlight the many aspects of my (mostly - cause no one's perfect) healthy lifestyle and to document my random daily thoughts.